Overcoming the Contempt of Familiarity

The Seventh Century Greek slave and fable writer, Aesop, is credited with coining the phrase, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” (It is found in the fable, The Fox and the Lion.) This cliché implies that it is wrong, even dangerous, for a leader to become too familiar with those he leads. In ministry it is often suggested that if a pastor gets too close to the congregation then she will end up sacrificing some of the respect of the congregation because they will see the weaknesses of the leader. To avoid this perceived danger some have instructed leaders (even pastors) to maintain a certain aloofness and detachment from those he leads. It is, for example, a violation of military law for commissioned officers to “fraternize” with the enlisted personnel. The belief is that to become too familiar with the enlisted ranks will diminish an officer’s ability to command the respect she needs to lead. In light of this perceived danger one might ask if is it possible to be a servant-leader, to be transparent and vulnerable, and to still be an effective leader.

In Mark’s Gospel chapter 5, we read of Jesus raising a twelve-year-old girl, Jairus’ daughter, from the dead. Then, in chapter 6, we find Jesus returning to His hometown, the town where He grew up, Nazareth. There we do not read of crowds running out to meet Jesus, instead we find an astonishing lack of faith:

2 When the Sabbath came, he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed.
"Where did this man get these things?" they asked. "What's this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles! 3 Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas and Simon? Aren't his sisters here with us?" And they took offense at him.
4 Jesus said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor." 5 He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 6 And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

This account seems to reinforce the cliché and to underscore the importance of detachment. The people of Jesus’ hometown were not particularly impressed with Jesus and did not rush out to meet Him with their sick and infirmed. Only a few came to Jesus, and Jesus did heal them, but even He was amazed at their lack of faith.

It is very likely that the news of Jesus raising a young girl from death had preceded Him to Nazareth. Many of the miracles, the signs and wonders, were being broadcast abroad. Still, when Jesus came home, back the place of His childhood, the people simply asked, “Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas and Simon? Aren't his sisters here with us?” Notice the familiarity. These people knew the names of all of Jesus’ brothers! Most of us don’t even know the names of our neighbors, much less their entire family. And because of this, even in the light of the words of wisdom by which Jesus spoke, we are told that “they took offense at him”.

So, could Aesop be right? Is the old leadership model of the heroic figure the right model? Is it possible to be a servant-leader and remain aloof?

I’ve observed leadership in various settings over the years. I’ve been in the military, I worked my way through seminary by working in a factory, and I’ve worked with various pastors in the context of ministry, and it is true, that if a leader is little more than the façade of a great man or woman, then it is in his best interest to keep the people at arm’s length. If the leader portrays herself as infallible then she certainly doesn’t want to get close enough to people for them to see her weaknesses. However, there is a way to overcome the danger of contempt and that is through honesty and humility.

After a series of failure on the part of leaders in many social institutions—from ministry to presidency—younger generations have long ago given up on the illusion that leaders are perfect. In fact, they are often suspicious of leadership that presents itself as somehow superior or above reproach. In Jesus’ case, He was perfect and the lack of faith on the part of the community was unfounded, but we aren’t Jesus. Furthermore, despite the response of His hometown, Jesus was very close to His disciples and we read several times of John laying his head on the chest of Jesus. We see Jesus washing their feet. We find Jesus eating with and “fraternizing” with sinners. Yet Jesus remains the greatest leader to have ever lived.

It is my belief that while a leader should never be guilty of favoritism or of allowing friendships to stand in the path of good leadership decisions, a good leader should never be so detached from the people he leads that he cannot be touched. Even Jesus is “touched with the feeling of our infirmities” (Heb. 4:15). The best way to avoid contempt is honesty and humility. A leader should be open and transparent with respect to her struggles. This does not mean that the leader has to detail every failure, but that the leader should own up to his mistakes and set the example by being honest about them.

Moreover, the example of Jesus is that even if some reject the leader, their rejection should not deter the leader from the course he has chosen. Jesus did not retreat in the face of their “offense” but instead Jesus empowered His disciples to move the mission forward. He did not separate Himself from His disciples, but He gave more of Himself to His disciples.

Familiarity can breed contempt among the contemptuous, but familiarity can also build trust and confidence among those whom we serve humbly and honestly as leaders. Furthermore, familiarity with integrity can breed loyalty for those who are willing to serve with humility.